Jack Grealish ending the season much like he started lockdown

HEROES AND VILLANS

With just 70 days to go until the transfer window slams shut and The Fiver dreading the nonsensical t1ttle-tattle that will fill every single one of them, now seems as good a time as any to revisit our ambitious and utterly unworkable idea for a blanket rumour blackout around the world. In this utopia, transfer speculation of any kind would be strictly forbidden and all player moves would remain shrouded in secrecy, thereby ensuring fans would not find who has joined or left their club until the team-sheets are announced an hour before kick-off on the opening day of the new season.

Quite apart from the fact that we would be spared the tedium of lengthy discourse forensically analysing the fact that Declan Rice has “liked” a tweet posted by the Kidderminster Harriers social media disgrace team, it would be intriguing to see the reaction from Chelsea fans at the exact moment they realise that, yes, Frank Lampard’s Chelsea manager Frank Lampard has actually replaced their goalkeeper and defence with a job lot of expensive foreign wingers and playmakers.

Back in reality, the future of Jack Grealish is the subject of the day’s big rumour du jour, with reports suggesting Aston Villa have slapped a price tag of up to £89m on the mercurial midfielder who ended the season much like he started lockdown – with a headline-grabbing bang. Young Jack’s vital strike against West Ham was enough to keep Villa in the Premier League and, apart from incurring the wrath of Roy Keane for his part in a celebratory rendition of Sweet Caroline, may well be his last act in a Villa shirt if Manchester United have their way. However, the bean-counters at Old Trafford are reported to have spluttered indignantly at Villa’s asking price and are only prepared to meet them a bit beyond halfway. With Grealish believed to have his heart set on a move to United, expect this one to rumble on and on. And on and on.

While Villa have shipped criticism for only just avoiding the drop despite having spent £145m on new players last summer, the brickbats were not entirely fair as at one point after securing promotion with a job lot of loanees he couldn’t keep, Dean Smith had so few outfield players at his disposal it looked like he might hand his kit-man a debut. When you consider he spent the thick end of £150m on 12 new recruits, it represents reasonable value for money even if some of them didn’t work out, and head of recruitment Jesús García Pitarch has just left the club.

Elsewhere it has been reported that Bournemouth could consider legal action in a bid to win compensation from the Premier League following their relegation, on the spurious grounds that a perfectly good Sheffield United goal against Villa was ruled out by a rare Hawk-Eye malfunction. If the relegated side are actually considering using the argument that if that particular goal had been chalked off they would have stayed up, then The Fiver’s counter-argument would be to state in the strongest possible terms: “Go home, Bournemouth! You’re drunk!”

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I must have retired about five times now, but there’s always something that’s brought me back, a challenge, helping somebody out, and this is a similar situation” – taking his lead from every bank-heist thriller in history, Neil Warnock is going to stay on as Middlesbrough manager next season. Leave does not necessarily mean leave, then.

RECOMMENDED LOOKING

Here’s David Squires on the end to the longest Premier League season. You can get your mitts on your very own copy, too.

Here you go. Illustration: David Squires/The Guardian

RECOMMENDED LISTENING

Football Weekly is right here. There will be another one later and all.

Football Weekly

Winners and losers as Premier League’s 352-day season ends

Sorry your browser does not support audio – but you can download here and listen https://audio.guim.co.uk/2020/07/27-36762-gnl.fw.20200727.sj.fw2707.mp3

FIVER LETTERS

“After inexplicably re-subscribing to The Fiver after more than two years of GDPR-knack, it has been reassuring to see Noble Francis still featuring regularly in the letters section. A beacon of familiarity in these uncertain times” – Paul Brookwood.

“Is it schadenfreude, but I seem to remember Arsène Wenger being ridiculed for saying that finishing fourth was an achievement. It seems it now is” – Stewart Lessells.

“Apparently I won’t have to fret at all about Brighton next season. Because, with the new midfield pairing of Bissouma–Lallana, it’ll mean no worries” – Tony Crawford.

Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Tony Crawford.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Real Madrid forward Mariano has tested positive for coronavirus and will miss the Big Cup clash against Manchester City as he quarantines. “The player is in perfect health and complying with the sanitary isolation protocol at home,” said the club.

Jürgen Klopp is happy for Liverpool’s players to go on holiday, so long as their destinations are cleared by the club and they make immediate arrangements to leave any country affected by a spike in Covid-19. “None of us can go on holiday and do the things that maybe you could do in the past,” he tooted.

Xavi is looking forward to the 2022 Ethics World Cup in Qatar. “People are going to be amazed at what [it] is,” he said of a country which has made him phenomenally rich. “In general, there are many prejudices and there is much unfounded criticism. Qatar has it all: a small, hospitable and generous country.” Not when it comes to all migrant workers, he failed to mention.

An understated little number in Al Rayyan. Photograph: Reuters

The professional game representatives on the FA board have effectively blocked a review of the diversity of its members, according to chairman Greg Clarke.

He may be 31 years old and consistency-challenged, but Chelsea stroller Willian is in demand. “He’s had a big offer from the [sic] MLS and two teams from the Premier League and two offers in Europe,” cheered Kia Joorabchian. “He will make his mind up after the FA Cup.”

With €60m soon to be sloshing around their coffers when Victor Osmihen heads to Napoli, Lille are sniffing around Pope’s Newc O’Rangers striker Alfredo Morelos. “The decision is mine and I hope it will be good to go to a more competitive league if I decide,” whooped Morelos. “For now I am focused, doing things well and waiting for everything to happen from the hand of God.”

And Fulham have one foot in the Championship play-off final after a 2-0 first-leg win at Cardiff. “It looked like they had won the tie,” harrumphed Bluebirds boss Neil Harris.